After The Affair – Do They Still Love Me?
After the affair, when you first find out that your spouse is cheating on you, it seems like your whole world is coming apart at the seams… and that’s an understatement! You have this sinking feeling that maybe your spouse doesn’t love you anymore and that your marriage is on the verge of collapse, if not completely destroyed, because the love has died after the affair. It’s hard to comprehend how on the one hand your spouse says that he loves you, and yet could do such a selfish, hurtful and vile thing. How is it possible for your spouse to cheat on you if he truly loved you?
Because if he really loved you he would never have cheated on you, right? Whether or not your spouse is still in love with you is a hard question to fathom at this point, and the only person who can give you a real, honest, answer is your spouse.
It Is Entirely Possible That Your Spouse Does Still Love You, Even After The Affair.
There are many reasons why people cheat and sometimes people truly do fall out of love. Or as I more accurately believe, choose to simply stop loving. But cheating does not automatically mean that your spouse has fallen out of love with you. What your spouse did was horribly selfish and completely unjustifiable. Having an affair is not the way to appropriately express dissatisfaction and pain, but unfortunately, this immature behaviour happens far too often in relationships. What the affair does reflect is that your spouse has a serious flaw in his character and not necessarily that he doesn’t love you. It is a deficiency in his own integrity, and moral code, that he needs to address and deal with. After the affair does not have to be the beginning of the end. But unless your spouse is willing to confront this problem in his own life it could be.
It is critical that you really understand this truth otherwise you will be forever trying to figure out what you did wrong. Here me when I say, It was not YOUR fault! You are the victim and it is you who has been terribly betrayed. Don’t for a minute begin entertaining the lie that you did something to deserve your partners infidelity. I cannot stress this point strongly enough. So many victims of infidelity turn the blame inward and make themselves out to be responsible for the selfish and unloving actions of their partner. They reason, “If only I had been more responsive, more involved. If I had just been more physical and sexy for them. If I hadn’t gained all that weight and let myself go. If I had just been more cooperative.” If, if, if… There is no end to the cycle of “if.” The fact of the matter is, if only your partner hadn’t strayed outside the relationship boundaries you wouldn’t be in this, “after the affair,” mess right now… end of discussion. Please, do not internalize your spouses shortcomings.
It is your cheating spouse who has lost his way and is, doubtless, feeling confused at the moment. His love for you may be buried somewhere deep inside. So even if he or she says that they are no longer in love with you anymore, it doesn’t necessarily mean they have fallen out of love with you. This could be just a reflection of the poor state of your marriage, after the affair, or they may have so much resentment and hurt that they are not willing to consider any other alternative except walking away from the marriage. These are tough questions that need to be figured out if there is to be any hope of healing your relationship. And I just want to encourage you right now that there IS hope for your marriage. Many other couples have dealt with what you are going through and have come out the other side with a stronger, healthier and happier marriage. Yes, it takes a lot of dedication, forgiveness and hard work in the trenches of reconciliation and restoration, but the end result is so worth it. I encourage you not to give up until all avenues have been exhausted. There are many helpful and encouraging resources online that can give you the tools and motivation to help you through this “after the affair” time that is so trying and difficult.
Be prepared for your spouse to continue denying his loving feelings for you until a crisis of some kind, such as an impending separation or divorce, brings him back to his senses. Hopefully this will wake him up from his stupor and bring him to a vivid “a-ha” moment where he realizes that he is still in love with you and wants to save the marriage.
After The Affair – Is It Really Too Late?
There are some cases though, where love is indeed lost after the affair, in which case you should prepare yourself for the possibility that you may not be able to save your marriage at all. You can only stick it out with someone whom you love and who loves you back. You can’t build a house on sand, or well-wishes. Love is the foundation of a good marriage. Love is the reason for the relationship. Besides, you probably don’t want to be in a loveless relationship anyway. But please, do not come to this conclusion until you have absolutely exhausted all the resources at your disposal to try an salvage the marriage and heal the relationship. On the other hand if your spouse still loves you, even after the affair, then you have a chance to save your marriage. You just need to know how to do it…